The gay man's curse???

Nothing more annoying than people always telling you “this is why you are single”. More so as it is the same people telling you that you being single is such a waste. And it is probably the same people that is the cause of you thinking that you are so f**king awesome you only deserve the best of the best! I can’t fault that though, been through (literally, hehehehe) too many frogs to settle for shit. Back to aforementioned people, they sometimes elaborate and say that you are too picky and maybe have too high standards, etc. And this becomes part of your sub-conscious, despite protesting. I sometimes wonder if I start ignoring that message from that once potential boyfriend whether I am really just lacking patience to successfully partake in the dating game (as also pointed out by another friend). Dating in the gay scene is difficult man, really difficult, and I over analyse everything. At the moment I am telling myself it is hard because I am just not moving in the correct gay circles (correct here meaning people I am more likely to have common interests with and similar backgrounds to).

Back to being picky. A friend once made a joke to me saying ’50 First Dates’ and it was extremely funny and a little sad at the same time because I literally go on as many first dates but somehow somewhere something gets lost and it just ends there. And it is difficult to not start wondering about your behaviour and the perception you create, especially since we can’t read others’ minds and not everyone will tell you what they think of you (honestly at least). Surely I can’t be that picky then if I go on so many dates? Then what’s the problem? Am I too aggressive, because if I want you I want you and I don’t see why I should pretend to not like you that much? Do people not know what they want? Honestly I think I know what I want. I have had a few guys who liked me enough to be in a relationship with me (specific 2 I recall) and who I was sexually attracted to coz we did sleep together but almost the moment they declared their love I felt like wanting to throw up. Despite these feelings I had my rational reasons why we wouldn’t work (naturally). So it seems maybe I also don’t know what I want? Who knows I just don’t get why it is so difficult though.

Argument two to me not being picky is that I really do not want the guy with the hottest body or the cutest face or whatever, but I must be sexually attracted to you. If we start there then we have a base to work from (may have stolen this somewhere but does not invalidate the point). Problem is that for some reason I am mostly attracted to white guys and which is probably why I can relate to these white gay guy problems because it seems to be a white SA “problem”. How many South Africans do we know that date outside of their race? This is why I always say my husband is in Europe somewhere which sucks because it means I am just passing time in the meantime until I am in a position to achieve that small probability event. Maybe apartheid affected gay white men almost as bad as all the non-whites? Ridiculous ain’t it, but maybe not as they are a minority group? I see so many people in the closet, is that part of the reason why people have these high standards because they do not love themselves enough or maybe lack confidence? Or were we all (like most heterosexuals) screwed over by our first boyfriend and just being really conservative and do not want to be screwed over (unless literally of course being hot blooded men and all)?

What inspired this post were these 2 cute guys I followed on twitter (and subsequently unfollowed because they seemed way to self important and love themselves too much). I just checked their timelines (how’s that for class A stalker tendencies) and as I read their tweets I saw my own tweets or thoughts (because I can certainly relate to the stuff they tweet about) and realised that I am probably as unlikeable as these people (my reasons for unfollowing them). They are also single and always saying how great it is to be single but how they won’t mind having someone they can love and take care of, as long as they are loved back. And just like me I am sure these two have many suitors but yet we are all single? The stuff I judge them for are the same stuff I do. So surely it can’t be a “gay curse”? How often do you see an ugly couple (or at least one part of the couple you see as ugly) and you go “who would F*** that?”. Maybe we see people as “ugly” because if we were to introduce them to our friends or colleagues (at say a work function) we don’t want them to be judged and hence they are not worthy of being dated? I always imagine if I meet a new person what the response would be should I take them to a work function. Am I judging myself?

So many questions and hardly any answers and yet I am still single as I type this. Makes you wonder though...

Blowing off steam (or something)!

I promised myself I won’t become those annoying gays who have this huge chip on their shoulder and always play victim about how unfair society is, etc. 

But I am really annoyed as of this moment. So this Intersexions show  two guys kissing and of course blacks on twitter go crazy. And yes I should not take twitter seriously but it does represent the supposedly open minded people in SA. So why do two guys kissing have such a big effect. Apparently the actors were paid handsomely to do said scene. Like are you kidding me? I took offence, and I hardly ever take offence.

The thing is, it is obviously difficult to accept your sexuality and I think it is mostly because of acceptance by society even if a lot of us say that we don’t give a shit about what others think. And that’s mostly true for me except when it comes to people you are supposed to be close to. I mean how is a statement like “I don’t have a thing against gay people, as long as it is not a sibling or a child of mine” supposed to make you feel?  And for me the gay thing is as normal as taking a dump, even though it is a rare occurrence. But on days like this it becomes annoying, I mean I thought we have accepted gays completely. I guess I am more annoyed about my naivety (or my ignorance if you will). We are a long way from where we need to be.

Things like this just make it even more difficult for people to accept themselves and come out of the closet. I am sure somewhere there was a 20 year old sitting with ignorant people watching this and based on the responses to the kiss, decided to keep hiding his/her true self. Don’t get me wrong, I am no gay activist, but it is just annoying that people don’t think beyond instant gratification (the shock or outrage in this case). 

Maybe I am reacting in this way because I feel issues like these add to the ridiculousness that is the gay dating scene. Like even in my profession there are so many gay guys but yet yours truly is single? Or maybe it is residual confusion from the Love Conference? I think it might be sexual frustration but don’t let this paragraph make light of the issue! Can we get one thing right in SA, since the race issue is not going anywhere anytime soon! Is that asking too much??

Anyway I am practising dance routines from Saturday Night Fever, toodles…..an suck on this bitches:

If your life is so f#*king miserable, change it, right?

So it’s been a minute (one month to be exact). I would love to say that I have been so busy studying that I just did not find the time to write, but I would be lying. Another month has passed and still no studying, I need HELP! 

Anyway…

I lost interest in writing which was a good thing because I was quarter to becoming Carrie 2.0 (the New Yorker not the crazy prom girl). I can’t have boys controlling my life, thoughts and emotions and certainly don’t want to whinge about such things.

Anyway woke up this Sunday morning feeling a bit offish. Another night out until 4 a.m. and I ask myself for the fuck of what? I justify it by saying I really love dancing (and I do), but somewhere along the lines something has to be different because I am feeling very dissatisfied with life this morning. And it is not that I am unhappy per se, because if you know me, I don’t wallow in self-pity and misery and I actually find it annoying when people do it. All I want to do was sleep the whole day and not do anything which is not a bad thing because sometimes we just need a timeout from life and people. So instead of laying here in misery and wondering about going nowhere slowly, I decided to “write”. You are not really bitching about life and things if you are just typing it on some computer screen, right?

I feel like I don’t have a passion in life. It would certainly explain why I can’t study and it is not that I hate what I do for a living (it certainly is easy money, studying aside).  On the contrary I love going to work but I feel like I am on autopilot. Same thing over and over which would explain why I waste time (and money) clubbing until 4, just to break free from a routine. Sad thing is that it became a routine itself, which I am trying hard to break free from but clearly not hard enough. I sabotage myself and I don’t get why though. Like my life would be so much easier if I just studied, finished my exams. Why am I choosing to make it more difficult for myself? I think I am running away from growing up because I can still get away with being less responsible while I am still studying. These are just questions in my head this morning, not really expecting any answers because I know by 5 today I will be over this whole thing.

I am wondering though, if so many people are not happy with where they are in life, how are the others getting it right? What are they doing differently that we are failing to do? Are they just putting up a front? Is satisfaction with your life even attainable? Maybe I am just lazy because there are some hardworking people out there in the world? Maybe we question ourselves too much and shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. One thing I know is that you can’t really know everything about people. I guess it is natural to look at others’ lives (during low times) and wish you could have that. Me, I actually don’t want someone else’s “good life” because I always ask what the price is. Maybe I am just being a cynic. 

Personally I know I am lucky and I get away with doing the absolute minimum. I do stupid things because I am always bailed out by family and friends. Funny that at almost 28 years old I realise that I am still very childish which is funny because I frowned upon kids playing, since birth probably. 

Few years back I had a “near death” experience. I would love to go into the details but I wouldn’t want it affecting any job application or something, since this is the internet after all. And I use the quotation marks because I can’t remember it so I didn’t have that whole “life flashing before my eyes” feeling that usually comes with such experiences. Maybe that in my subconscious is driving the reckless, irresponsible and carefree behaviour. It certainly had direct consequences I still feel ‘til today. How can it be my subconscious though if I am thinking about it? And I certainly don’t want to justify irresponsible behaviour because nothing will make you crash faster than that. 

Sorry for the “my life is so miserable” theme this morning, but it really isn’t. My life has been much easier than a lot of people’s and I wouldn’t change a thing. Was just wondering and I guess that’s all one can do. You can’t predict it, no matter how skilled you are as an actuary predicting the future. All these things are just training us to withstand the unpredictable nature of life, I guess.

And thank God for computers, I am horrified at the number of grammatical errors I made while typing this.

That Fake Randela

So after I got over my little “panic attack” the other day, things seemed to look up, for now anyway (hits the little devil on my shoulder). Getting over yourself is such a good thing to experience; it makes things in life so much easier. After last Saturday’s “emotional breakdown”, I decided to message HIM on Sunday just chatting and sort of asked (but not in a court of law type of way) about that Friday night and I guess I was fine with it.

So after chatting the whole week, I told him that I must see him before I got to Cape Town and he agreed and we went on a date to some place in Centurion called “Ridgebacks”. A place I discovered while going with colleagues for drinks after work. Now this is a very Afrikaaner place and you would expect two guys, so obviously on a date, to be frowned upon. Alas, we had a good time with some cheap beer and very nicely made pizza. This is my new place to-go-to, and I will recommend it to anyone and everyone. There was at some point a bit of a “squabble” where some white chick was walking around with a R100 note and saying how these people won’t serve you if your money is not real, despite her withdrawing it from their ATM. I am just glad no blacks were involved (except the waiters of course). My date joked asking if she is telling us about her fake money because we are coloured.

Side bar: as I am typing this, this guy from the office (not our department) who I suspect is gay, is telling people here about a house break in (at his place I presume). This is funny-ish, because (1) I saw him at that place last night with an obvious gay (2) he greeted me despite never greeting me at the office and I am thinking if he was not on a date maybe the break in would not have happened. And he definitely is in the closet because he told the same audience a few weeks back he is not ready to get a wife, you think???!!

Anyway, despite saying he doesn’t want to stay late, we found ourselves in the parking lot after 11pm not really wanting to leave but also not wanting to go and do stuff but with lots and lots of tension building. I gave him a few kisses while he was sitting in the car but I have learnt my lesson with that business. Besides I’m sure people from work frequent that place and while I don’t care what people say, I was not in the mood to be talked about today at work. The date ended on a very PG-10 note, which is probably a good thing.

I am still a bit cautious because he seems like all he wants is sex and I usually wouldn’t mind this, but c’mon, I am getting older so I want to be about more stuff than random sex. Which comes down to his age once again, I know as a 23 year old I was still in closet and starting to experiment the dark side of this same sex world. At least he has been out for a while. I am being asked for pictures of my legs (in my undies) because he is apparently in love with my legs. But I think I like what I see. He is very chilled out, and makes me seem like this over the top person who is overly expressive. And the way his mellow reactions just silence me. He says it is hard work for him to keep up with my banter, too much thinking apparently and it is exhausting. But he seems genuine (for now anyway) and hopefully he is not as fake as that Randela (nickname for the new SA Rand notes) from earlier on. If we start dating, I am applying that 30 day rule (I hope).To be continued….

Outro: I am on my way to Cape Town, I hope I behave. The scandalous things I did in December is not to be repeated under any circumstances. If I have to tell you, I’d have to kill you and I am being serious. I once got home at 4pm, the next day, my mom was distraught. I am going to be a good boy and chill with my talkative 4-year old niece.

Hindsight

Eish this thing of looking back and having realisations is sort of a cathartic experience. Rather than looking back and regretting, it is better to have that “aaahhhh moment”. The past is a strange thing and I fully believe that one should not be trapped in it as it stops you from growing (or whatever the Oprah textbook says). But we are all just human beings and sometimes we do wish we did some things differently. And there are many things I definitely would do differently should I get the opportunity. I rarely do this because my logical side of the brain kicks in and I tell myself there is absolutely nothing one can do about it. I have my (or had) “weak moments” but I don’t stay there long. I guess that fight or flight instinct kicks in after a few hours of misery. Let’s face it, self-pity is not sexy and people get annoyed by constant whinging. One can’t go around wasting empathy on the same shit every single day. Anyway, all one can hope for is that we learnt something from it, even though it is probably not immediately realisable.

Looking back (albeit just for a second) at my post yesterday, I realised that I overreacted. In my defence I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours (a bit of stomach problems), so you can only imagine how people who hardly have food to eat probably overreacts on a daily basis……I kid. So what I liked the guy? It is not like I actually told him that I like him and just assumed the feeling is mutual. For someone who tends to ask a lot of questions, I do make a lot of assumptions sometimes. I guess it is part of my profession coming through, we ask a lot of questions but when answers are not clear we apply our “actuarial judgement” and make prudent assumptions. Clearly I am not ready to call myself an actuary of life since my assumption was definitely not prudent. While actuaries are good at predicting the future, where human behaviour is involved, it is very difficult. Ask any actuary about persistency of life insurance policies investigations. Humans can be very random !

This time I skipped right through to the assumption part because we all know that discussing relationship definitions prematurely is the ultimate death of that relationship. Especially since in this case we both said we are going with the flow, him more explicitly and me more implied by saying “I am into whatever”. Now I am not a go with the flow person, things are very black and white for me. If I like you, I want to date you. If I don’t like you, I don’t want anything to do with you. I guess I think my character judgement is THAT great that I know off the bat whether I like you or not. And my judgement is not always correct. So really it was my fault because I wasn’t honest from the start what I really wanted, which is to date someone and then maybe start a relationship. Besides we don't just buy a house or car without viewing it. And I guess it is the same with dating, you have to see whether you actually want to date this person.And what you put in is what you get out, this is why relationships get complicated because people think they can do certain things and agree to it only to find themselves climbing the Great Wall of China. And it is okay to change your mind, I probably will change my mind again within the next 24 hours.

So I will take responsibility for my ill feelings yesterday (and no not to be some sort of martyr), as it was really my fault. And I actually feel great today and I am over it.

Of course it helped getting drunk (I was extremely so and happy yesterday) and letting Swedish House Mafia touch my soul with their music beats!!!

Gayting Karma

What do you do when things don’t go your way? Do you feel sorry for yourself or do you shrug and move on? Generally I do the latter, but at some point things hit hard. Now the thing is I badly so badly also want to be in love and experience this feeling. I think I was once before but it was probably more obsession than anything else. Now being gay comes with a whole set of rules in the gay world and I do sometimes think I am the problem because I am too fussy or just not a friendly person, etc.

I have been on many “dates” and I have met so many different guys. I can’t even count now because there are too many. So it is definitely not a case of me not putting myself out there. I do, but for some reason or another it just does not work out. Sometimes it feels like I am in some high school because it appears (and I don’t want to generalise) that gays are all about keeping up appearances and all that shit that most of us left in high school (where it belongs). My confidence (or maybe delusion) helps me a long way because I know who I am and I will not be trying to fit anyone’s painting of the world. I strongly believe this is why I don’t have any gay friends and I actually don’t want any. Reason being they will be with a group of their friends and behave one way but when the friends are not around, in a different way. Now what shit is that? And I notice this a lot when I am out there clubbing by myself. Now I am not judging anyone but this screams low self-esteem or still trying to find yourself I guess. This is not a problem per se, but at what age are you actually going to grow up? Anyway I guess this is none of my business really even though it does affect me.
Now all these people I meet are generally white and I think either classism or just our backgrounds are too different to relate. So nothing really happens or they act funny or not interested. So much so I have a rule that I do not add a guy I meet on BBM, it just complicates things. I hate people not responding to me and BBM makes it worse with that little “R”. I am not without my faults, but I generally will say when I am not really into a guy, honesty just works best. I have met people “online” (read: Grindr, stories for other times) before, chat and like them and then I find out their profile pic is not really the “truth” and I dump them. You and a guy will flirt on dance floor, you will go to the loo quickly, and by the time you get back his tongue will be down someone else’s throat. So it is rough out there, rough, rough, rough (and I am not just referring to the sex).

So about 3 weeks back I meet this coloured guy. I have seen him around before but I tend to ignore people in groups who think they are the second coming. Anyway he sort of flirted with me but I just ignored him. So the next day he sees me on Grindr and we start chatting and exchange numbers. The next weekend we sort of did stuff in a parking lot (what’s the stage between 3^rd base and homerun? Yeah, that one) and generally this is where people start acting funny instead of just saying I am just not that into you. He didn’t act funny he was just busy at work that week. We kept chatting and chatting. Now normally I will just be overthinking things and seeing stars and building houses and stuff. This time I just went with the flow e.g. wait for him to initiate conversation other times I will, etc.

Fast forward to last night, he wanted to see me after work and I said I can’t because I am going grocery shopping and then a movie, but he can see me afterwards. He said he will be at the gay club and I asked what time and received this response “I don’t know, I’m just going with the flow”. Anyway he showed up there and we chatted for a bit and he even introduced me to some guy he was with. Now listen here, if you talk to me and turn your back mid conversation because your friend is calling you about something without excusing yourself, you must go fuck yourself actually because you don’t have manners. I walked away and to the bar and drank some more. At some point he and that guy was dancing behind as if he was trying to get my attention, but I mean it is not like we don’t know each other or that we haven’t seen each other “naked” for him to NOT have my attention if really he wanted it. Anyway as the night proceeded they were behind me again, this time kissing. And I became filled with all sorts of emotions from annoyance to anger and hurt. And I was a taken aback by it because despite the fact that I was being overly cautious (mostly because he is 23) I found myself obviously in like with him. I mean, I only went to the club last night because he said he would PROBABLY be there. Now I can’t blame him for much because it is not like we are dating or anything. BUT where do you get off doing that? A warning would have been nice at least you know? How do you go from joking that I must have your kids to that or from wanting to see me earlier to shoving that in my face? The whole night before he arrived I was not interested in the few guys that were flirting with me because I didn’t want to end up kissing someone and he sees and I would have messed up things.

After a few more drinks I decided to rather drive home, very upset (surprisingly so) even a few tears were running down my cheeks on the highway (so dramatic, I know). Maybe it was just the alcohol and the lack of eating that day. Yet I find myself typing this (sober) and still feel gutted. At the end of the day I have no business liking someone who does that irrespective of the definition of our relationship. Not sure why he texted me past 3am asking if I have gone home yet. I really wanted to tell him off (a good FUCK YOU goes a long way), but even in my drunken state I knew that it would just be childish and people don’t need to know how they are affecting your existence, I think they get off on it sometimes.

Nothing is more annoying than being pursued when you were not interested to begin with, just to be left out in the cold. So as I am accepting my karma, I pray to the gods that people are just honest, like honesty won’t kill you (or at least not likely to). Sadly I can’t conclude this is an age thing because people my age and older tend to be the same way. This is what happens when you are supposed to be home studying, but then I would have probably fallen and not known the real person.

My mom always says: “Kyk Noord en vok voort” which basically means look forward and move on don’t let things hold you back. This is exactly what I am going to do, and this time I am not replacing him with someone else, but with my books (the more I say this, the more likely it will happen)!

George Michael

So after the wave of inspiration I was sort of not inspired anymore because I want to blog about stuff that happens, not some fiction or hypothetical shit. For stuff to happen, one needs to have an interesting life or have friends who have interesting lives. Neither of these two scenarios is applicable (not yet anyway).

As the weekend approached, my responsibility faded (I am yet to start study). Anyhoo, let’s not be Debbie Downers, thanks. Went dancing on Friday night, and despite drinking only 3 beers and 1 shot of tequila, I only got home around 5 because some friend of mine showed up and insisted I stay with him and close the club.

Fast Forward to Saturday, I went to gym and watched the amazing Les Miserables. A must see for anyone who claims to know good movies. After the almost 3 hours of sitting in one seat I craved vodka. After a few “roadblocks” I got me self a bottle of vodka and some dry lemon and the pre party was well on its way. Now I am never one to sleep when I am 25% into a bottle of vodka, now imagine 75% of the bottle gone??!!  Pretend you didn’t read the last sentence as it incriminates me because I went dancing and it is not walking distance if you catch my drift. At the place I danced and ogled a bit, not many interesting people to see. I was drunk though, not to the point of not remembering bathroom shenanigans (like that one time) but drunk. Hours kept ticking by, and the music has improved a lot at this club, so I very much enjoyed the night.

As the time goes by, the numbers decrease as well (I thought gay people are hectic party animals, clearly these value their beauty sleep more, not that you can see said beauty). Now we all have had desperate situations before, how can you not, especially when alcohol is in control of you? So this guy annoyingly flirts with me. Annoying not because I don’t like flirting, but because I wouldn’t do him in a million years.  The club was basically empty so I thought “What the hell? It is not like anyone important will see me snogging him”. Kiss, kiss, kiss next thing lights go on. And like rats being sprayed with teargas, we were quickly outside (this happened before at that place btw, I am sure it was some Christian group trying to eradicate the gays or something). Anyway ( I like going off topic *sigh*) his car was closer than mine.

Fast forward to steamed windows and next thing I hear a knock on my side of the car. “Shit! A policeman!!!” is all that went through my head. He basically opened the door at the same time as knocking (Note to self: lock car doors at all times). So as we sit awkwardly while being questioned by this random cop, questions ranging from “What were you doing?”, “you are lying, what you did was not kissing I am arresting you for public indecency”. Now at this point, any testosterone that might have built up before was gone!! Many things went through my mind like “I already have trouble with the law, I can’t be getting into more trouble”, “ I am not going down like this, nogals for kissing this guy, at least it should have been a hot somebody or a good kisser”. I kept telling this cop that we were just kissing and that I see people walking in malls kissing all the time is that not allowed? He then said I should get out (and this is where locking the car door es muy importante) and unfortunately as I got out my pants were basically falling off as I didn’t have time to button it. The hanging belt went a long way to “proving” this idiot’s allegation. I was not going to go to a police station and sign some stupid warning, the way I begged and pleaded for them to show us some mercy.

These cops just wanted a bribe, because the one even said at one point “how can I help you?” and I didn’t have money to pay them off. They eventually let it go after promising that we will never do it again (they really didn’t have to know that I made out with some boy I like in his car in the same location the week before). I just wanted to be home, but had to wait for them to leave before I could leave.

From now on I will just be boring, South Africa is not gay friendly. And lock your car doors dammit!