So it’s been a minute (one month to be exact). I would love
to say that I have been so busy studying that I just did not find the time to
write, but I would be lying. Another month has passed and still no studying, I
need HELP!
Anyway…
I lost interest in writing which was a good thing because I
was quarter to becoming Carrie 2.0 (the New Yorker not the crazy prom girl).
I can’t have boys controlling my life, thoughts and emotions and certainly
don’t want to whinge about such things.
Anyway woke up this Sunday morning feeling a bit offish.
Another night out until 4 a.m. and I ask myself for the fuck of what? I justify
it by saying I really love dancing (and I do), but somewhere along the lines
something has to be different because I am feeling very dissatisfied with life
this morning. And it is not that I am unhappy per se, because if you know me, I
don’t wallow in self-pity and misery and I actually find it annoying when
people do it. All I want to do was sleep the whole day and not do anything
which is not a bad thing because sometimes we just need a timeout from life and
people. So instead of laying here in misery and wondering about going nowhere
slowly, I decided to “write”. You are not really bitching about life and things
if you are just typing it on some computer screen, right?
I feel like I don’t have a passion in life. It would
certainly explain why I can’t study and it is not that I hate what I do for a
living (it certainly is easy money, studying aside). On the contrary I love going to work but I
feel like I am on autopilot. Same thing over and over which would explain why I
waste time (and money) clubbing until 4, just to break free from a routine. Sad
thing is that it became a routine itself, which I am trying hard to break free
from but clearly not hard enough. I sabotage myself and I don’t get why though.
Like my life would be so much easier if I just studied, finished my exams. Why
am I choosing to make it more difficult for myself? I think I am running away
from growing up because I can still get away with being less responsible while
I am still studying. These are just questions in my head this morning, not
really expecting any answers because I know by 5 today I will be over this
whole thing.
I am wondering though, if so many people are not happy with
where they are in life, how are the others getting it right? What are they
doing differently that we are failing to do? Are they just putting up a front?
Is satisfaction with your life even attainable? Maybe I am just lazy because
there are some hardworking people out there in the world? Maybe we question
ourselves too much and shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. One thing I know
is that you can’t really know everything about people. I guess it is natural to
look at others’ lives (during low times) and wish you could have that. Me, I
actually don’t want someone else’s “good life” because I always ask what the
price is. Maybe I am just being a cynic.
Personally I know I am lucky and I get away with doing the
absolute minimum. I do stupid things because I am always bailed out by family
and friends. Funny that at almost 28 years old I realise that I am still very
childish which is funny because I frowned upon kids playing, since birth
probably.
Few years back I had a “near death” experience. I would love
to go into the details but I wouldn’t want it affecting any job application or
something, since this is the internet after all. And I use the quotation marks
because I can’t remember it so I didn’t have that whole “life flashing before
my eyes” feeling that usually comes with such experiences. Maybe that in my
subconscious is driving the reckless, irresponsible and carefree behaviour. It
certainly had direct consequences I still feel ‘til today. How can it be my
subconscious though if I am thinking about it? And I certainly don’t want to justify
irresponsible behaviour because nothing will make you crash faster than that.
Sorry for the “my life is so miserable” theme this morning,
but it really isn’t. My life has been much easier than a lot of people’s and I
wouldn’t change a thing. Was just wondering and I guess that’s all one can do.
You can’t predict it, no matter how skilled you are as an actuary predicting
the future. All these things are just training us to withstand the
unpredictable nature of life, I guess.
And thank God for computers, I am horrified at the number of
grammatical errors I made while typing this.
No comments:
Post a Comment