Hindsight

Eish this thing of looking back and having realisations is sort of a cathartic experience. Rather than looking back and regretting, it is better to have that “aaahhhh moment”. The past is a strange thing and I fully believe that one should not be trapped in it as it stops you from growing (or whatever the Oprah textbook says). But we are all just human beings and sometimes we do wish we did some things differently. And there are many things I definitely would do differently should I get the opportunity. I rarely do this because my logical side of the brain kicks in and I tell myself there is absolutely nothing one can do about it. I have my (or had) “weak moments” but I don’t stay there long. I guess that fight or flight instinct kicks in after a few hours of misery. Let’s face it, self-pity is not sexy and people get annoyed by constant whinging. One can’t go around wasting empathy on the same shit every single day. Anyway, all one can hope for is that we learnt something from it, even though it is probably not immediately realisable.

Looking back (albeit just for a second) at my post yesterday, I realised that I overreacted. In my defence I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours (a bit of stomach problems), so you can only imagine how people who hardly have food to eat probably overreacts on a daily basis……I kid. So what I liked the guy? It is not like I actually told him that I like him and just assumed the feeling is mutual. For someone who tends to ask a lot of questions, I do make a lot of assumptions sometimes. I guess it is part of my profession coming through, we ask a lot of questions but when answers are not clear we apply our “actuarial judgement” and make prudent assumptions. Clearly I am not ready to call myself an actuary of life since my assumption was definitely not prudent. While actuaries are good at predicting the future, where human behaviour is involved, it is very difficult. Ask any actuary about persistency of life insurance policies investigations. Humans can be very random !

This time I skipped right through to the assumption part because we all know that discussing relationship definitions prematurely is the ultimate death of that relationship. Especially since in this case we both said we are going with the flow, him more explicitly and me more implied by saying “I am into whatever”. Now I am not a go with the flow person, things are very black and white for me. If I like you, I want to date you. If I don’t like you, I don’t want anything to do with you. I guess I think my character judgement is THAT great that I know off the bat whether I like you or not. And my judgement is not always correct. So really it was my fault because I wasn’t honest from the start what I really wanted, which is to date someone and then maybe start a relationship. Besides we don't just buy a house or car without viewing it. And I guess it is the same with dating, you have to see whether you actually want to date this person.And what you put in is what you get out, this is why relationships get complicated because people think they can do certain things and agree to it only to find themselves climbing the Great Wall of China. And it is okay to change your mind, I probably will change my mind again within the next 24 hours.

So I will take responsibility for my ill feelings yesterday (and no not to be some sort of martyr), as it was really my fault. And I actually feel great today and I am over it.

Of course it helped getting drunk (I was extremely so and happy yesterday) and letting Swedish House Mafia touch my soul with their music beats!!!