Gayting Karma

What do you do when things don’t go your way? Do you feel sorry for yourself or do you shrug and move on? Generally I do the latter, but at some point things hit hard. Now the thing is I badly so badly also want to be in love and experience this feeling. I think I was once before but it was probably more obsession than anything else. Now being gay comes with a whole set of rules in the gay world and I do sometimes think I am the problem because I am too fussy or just not a friendly person, etc.

I have been on many “dates” and I have met so many different guys. I can’t even count now because there are too many. So it is definitely not a case of me not putting myself out there. I do, but for some reason or another it just does not work out. Sometimes it feels like I am in some high school because it appears (and I don’t want to generalise) that gays are all about keeping up appearances and all that shit that most of us left in high school (where it belongs). My confidence (or maybe delusion) helps me a long way because I know who I am and I will not be trying to fit anyone’s painting of the world. I strongly believe this is why I don’t have any gay friends and I actually don’t want any. Reason being they will be with a group of their friends and behave one way but when the friends are not around, in a different way. Now what shit is that? And I notice this a lot when I am out there clubbing by myself. Now I am not judging anyone but this screams low self-esteem or still trying to find yourself I guess. This is not a problem per se, but at what age are you actually going to grow up? Anyway I guess this is none of my business really even though it does affect me.
Now all these people I meet are generally white and I think either classism or just our backgrounds are too different to relate. So nothing really happens or they act funny or not interested. So much so I have a rule that I do not add a guy I meet on BBM, it just complicates things. I hate people not responding to me and BBM makes it worse with that little “R”. I am not without my faults, but I generally will say when I am not really into a guy, honesty just works best. I have met people “online” (read: Grindr, stories for other times) before, chat and like them and then I find out their profile pic is not really the “truth” and I dump them. You and a guy will flirt on dance floor, you will go to the loo quickly, and by the time you get back his tongue will be down someone else’s throat. So it is rough out there, rough, rough, rough (and I am not just referring to the sex).

So about 3 weeks back I meet this coloured guy. I have seen him around before but I tend to ignore people in groups who think they are the second coming. Anyway he sort of flirted with me but I just ignored him. So the next day he sees me on Grindr and we start chatting and exchange numbers. The next weekend we sort of did stuff in a parking lot (what’s the stage between 3^rd base and homerun? Yeah, that one) and generally this is where people start acting funny instead of just saying I am just not that into you. He didn’t act funny he was just busy at work that week. We kept chatting and chatting. Now normally I will just be overthinking things and seeing stars and building houses and stuff. This time I just went with the flow e.g. wait for him to initiate conversation other times I will, etc.

Fast forward to last night, he wanted to see me after work and I said I can’t because I am going grocery shopping and then a movie, but he can see me afterwards. He said he will be at the gay club and I asked what time and received this response “I don’t know, I’m just going with the flow”. Anyway he showed up there and we chatted for a bit and he even introduced me to some guy he was with. Now listen here, if you talk to me and turn your back mid conversation because your friend is calling you about something without excusing yourself, you must go fuck yourself actually because you don’t have manners. I walked away and to the bar and drank some more. At some point he and that guy was dancing behind as if he was trying to get my attention, but I mean it is not like we don’t know each other or that we haven’t seen each other “naked” for him to NOT have my attention if really he wanted it. Anyway as the night proceeded they were behind me again, this time kissing. And I became filled with all sorts of emotions from annoyance to anger and hurt. And I was a taken aback by it because despite the fact that I was being overly cautious (mostly because he is 23) I found myself obviously in like with him. I mean, I only went to the club last night because he said he would PROBABLY be there. Now I can’t blame him for much because it is not like we are dating or anything. BUT where do you get off doing that? A warning would have been nice at least you know? How do you go from joking that I must have your kids to that or from wanting to see me earlier to shoving that in my face? The whole night before he arrived I was not interested in the few guys that were flirting with me because I didn’t want to end up kissing someone and he sees and I would have messed up things.

After a few more drinks I decided to rather drive home, very upset (surprisingly so) even a few tears were running down my cheeks on the highway (so dramatic, I know). Maybe it was just the alcohol and the lack of eating that day. Yet I find myself typing this (sober) and still feel gutted. At the end of the day I have no business liking someone who does that irrespective of the definition of our relationship. Not sure why he texted me past 3am asking if I have gone home yet. I really wanted to tell him off (a good FUCK YOU goes a long way), but even in my drunken state I knew that it would just be childish and people don’t need to know how they are affecting your existence, I think they get off on it sometimes.

Nothing is more annoying than being pursued when you were not interested to begin with, just to be left out in the cold. So as I am accepting my karma, I pray to the gods that people are just honest, like honesty won’t kill you (or at least not likely to). Sadly I can’t conclude this is an age thing because people my age and older tend to be the same way. This is what happens when you are supposed to be home studying, but then I would have probably fallen and not known the real person.

My mom always says: “Kyk Noord en vok voort” which basically means look forward and move on don’t let things hold you back. This is exactly what I am going to do, and this time I am not replacing him with someone else, but with my books (the more I say this, the more likely it will happen)!