Hindsight

Eish this thing of looking back and having realisations is sort of a cathartic experience. Rather than looking back and regretting, it is better to have that “aaahhhh moment”. The past is a strange thing and I fully believe that one should not be trapped in it as it stops you from growing (or whatever the Oprah textbook says). But we are all just human beings and sometimes we do wish we did some things differently. And there are many things I definitely would do differently should I get the opportunity. I rarely do this because my logical side of the brain kicks in and I tell myself there is absolutely nothing one can do about it. I have my (or had) “weak moments” but I don’t stay there long. I guess that fight or flight instinct kicks in after a few hours of misery. Let’s face it, self-pity is not sexy and people get annoyed by constant whinging. One can’t go around wasting empathy on the same shit every single day. Anyway, all one can hope for is that we learnt something from it, even though it is probably not immediately realisable.

Looking back (albeit just for a second) at my post yesterday, I realised that I overreacted. In my defence I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours (a bit of stomach problems), so you can only imagine how people who hardly have food to eat probably overreacts on a daily basis……I kid. So what I liked the guy? It is not like I actually told him that I like him and just assumed the feeling is mutual. For someone who tends to ask a lot of questions, I do make a lot of assumptions sometimes. I guess it is part of my profession coming through, we ask a lot of questions but when answers are not clear we apply our “actuarial judgement” and make prudent assumptions. Clearly I am not ready to call myself an actuary of life since my assumption was definitely not prudent. While actuaries are good at predicting the future, where human behaviour is involved, it is very difficult. Ask any actuary about persistency of life insurance policies investigations. Humans can be very random !

This time I skipped right through to the assumption part because we all know that discussing relationship definitions prematurely is the ultimate death of that relationship. Especially since in this case we both said we are going with the flow, him more explicitly and me more implied by saying “I am into whatever”. Now I am not a go with the flow person, things are very black and white for me. If I like you, I want to date you. If I don’t like you, I don’t want anything to do with you. I guess I think my character judgement is THAT great that I know off the bat whether I like you or not. And my judgement is not always correct. So really it was my fault because I wasn’t honest from the start what I really wanted, which is to date someone and then maybe start a relationship. Besides we don't just buy a house or car without viewing it. And I guess it is the same with dating, you have to see whether you actually want to date this person.And what you put in is what you get out, this is why relationships get complicated because people think they can do certain things and agree to it only to find themselves climbing the Great Wall of China. And it is okay to change your mind, I probably will change my mind again within the next 24 hours.

So I will take responsibility for my ill feelings yesterday (and no not to be some sort of martyr), as it was really my fault. And I actually feel great today and I am over it.

Of course it helped getting drunk (I was extremely so and happy yesterday) and letting Swedish House Mafia touch my soul with their music beats!!!

Gayting Karma

What do you do when things don’t go your way? Do you feel sorry for yourself or do you shrug and move on? Generally I do the latter, but at some point things hit hard. Now the thing is I badly so badly also want to be in love and experience this feeling. I think I was once before but it was probably more obsession than anything else. Now being gay comes with a whole set of rules in the gay world and I do sometimes think I am the problem because I am too fussy or just not a friendly person, etc.

I have been on many “dates” and I have met so many different guys. I can’t even count now because there are too many. So it is definitely not a case of me not putting myself out there. I do, but for some reason or another it just does not work out. Sometimes it feels like I am in some high school because it appears (and I don’t want to generalise) that gays are all about keeping up appearances and all that shit that most of us left in high school (where it belongs). My confidence (or maybe delusion) helps me a long way because I know who I am and I will not be trying to fit anyone’s painting of the world. I strongly believe this is why I don’t have any gay friends and I actually don’t want any. Reason being they will be with a group of their friends and behave one way but when the friends are not around, in a different way. Now what shit is that? And I notice this a lot when I am out there clubbing by myself. Now I am not judging anyone but this screams low self-esteem or still trying to find yourself I guess. This is not a problem per se, but at what age are you actually going to grow up? Anyway I guess this is none of my business really even though it does affect me.
Now all these people I meet are generally white and I think either classism or just our backgrounds are too different to relate. So nothing really happens or they act funny or not interested. So much so I have a rule that I do not add a guy I meet on BBM, it just complicates things. I hate people not responding to me and BBM makes it worse with that little “R”. I am not without my faults, but I generally will say when I am not really into a guy, honesty just works best. I have met people “online” (read: Grindr, stories for other times) before, chat and like them and then I find out their profile pic is not really the “truth” and I dump them. You and a guy will flirt on dance floor, you will go to the loo quickly, and by the time you get back his tongue will be down someone else’s throat. So it is rough out there, rough, rough, rough (and I am not just referring to the sex).

So about 3 weeks back I meet this coloured guy. I have seen him around before but I tend to ignore people in groups who think they are the second coming. Anyway he sort of flirted with me but I just ignored him. So the next day he sees me on Grindr and we start chatting and exchange numbers. The next weekend we sort of did stuff in a parking lot (what’s the stage between 3^rd base and homerun? Yeah, that one) and generally this is where people start acting funny instead of just saying I am just not that into you. He didn’t act funny he was just busy at work that week. We kept chatting and chatting. Now normally I will just be overthinking things and seeing stars and building houses and stuff. This time I just went with the flow e.g. wait for him to initiate conversation other times I will, etc.

Fast forward to last night, he wanted to see me after work and I said I can’t because I am going grocery shopping and then a movie, but he can see me afterwards. He said he will be at the gay club and I asked what time and received this response “I don’t know, I’m just going with the flow”. Anyway he showed up there and we chatted for a bit and he even introduced me to some guy he was with. Now listen here, if you talk to me and turn your back mid conversation because your friend is calling you about something without excusing yourself, you must go fuck yourself actually because you don’t have manners. I walked away and to the bar and drank some more. At some point he and that guy was dancing behind as if he was trying to get my attention, but I mean it is not like we don’t know each other or that we haven’t seen each other “naked” for him to NOT have my attention if really he wanted it. Anyway as the night proceeded they were behind me again, this time kissing. And I became filled with all sorts of emotions from annoyance to anger and hurt. And I was a taken aback by it because despite the fact that I was being overly cautious (mostly because he is 23) I found myself obviously in like with him. I mean, I only went to the club last night because he said he would PROBABLY be there. Now I can’t blame him for much because it is not like we are dating or anything. BUT where do you get off doing that? A warning would have been nice at least you know? How do you go from joking that I must have your kids to that or from wanting to see me earlier to shoving that in my face? The whole night before he arrived I was not interested in the few guys that were flirting with me because I didn’t want to end up kissing someone and he sees and I would have messed up things.

After a few more drinks I decided to rather drive home, very upset (surprisingly so) even a few tears were running down my cheeks on the highway (so dramatic, I know). Maybe it was just the alcohol and the lack of eating that day. Yet I find myself typing this (sober) and still feel gutted. At the end of the day I have no business liking someone who does that irrespective of the definition of our relationship. Not sure why he texted me past 3am asking if I have gone home yet. I really wanted to tell him off (a good FUCK YOU goes a long way), but even in my drunken state I knew that it would just be childish and people don’t need to know how they are affecting your existence, I think they get off on it sometimes.

Nothing is more annoying than being pursued when you were not interested to begin with, just to be left out in the cold. So as I am accepting my karma, I pray to the gods that people are just honest, like honesty won’t kill you (or at least not likely to). Sadly I can’t conclude this is an age thing because people my age and older tend to be the same way. This is what happens when you are supposed to be home studying, but then I would have probably fallen and not known the real person.

My mom always says: “Kyk Noord en vok voort” which basically means look forward and move on don’t let things hold you back. This is exactly what I am going to do, and this time I am not replacing him with someone else, but with my books (the more I say this, the more likely it will happen)!

George Michael

So after the wave of inspiration I was sort of not inspired anymore because I want to blog about stuff that happens, not some fiction or hypothetical shit. For stuff to happen, one needs to have an interesting life or have friends who have interesting lives. Neither of these two scenarios is applicable (not yet anyway).

As the weekend approached, my responsibility faded (I am yet to start study). Anyhoo, let’s not be Debbie Downers, thanks. Went dancing on Friday night, and despite drinking only 3 beers and 1 shot of tequila, I only got home around 5 because some friend of mine showed up and insisted I stay with him and close the club.

Fast Forward to Saturday, I went to gym and watched the amazing Les Miserables. A must see for anyone who claims to know good movies. After the almost 3 hours of sitting in one seat I craved vodka. After a few “roadblocks” I got me self a bottle of vodka and some dry lemon and the pre party was well on its way. Now I am never one to sleep when I am 25% into a bottle of vodka, now imagine 75% of the bottle gone??!!  Pretend you didn’t read the last sentence as it incriminates me because I went dancing and it is not walking distance if you catch my drift. At the place I danced and ogled a bit, not many interesting people to see. I was drunk though, not to the point of not remembering bathroom shenanigans (like that one time) but drunk. Hours kept ticking by, and the music has improved a lot at this club, so I very much enjoyed the night.

As the time goes by, the numbers decrease as well (I thought gay people are hectic party animals, clearly these value their beauty sleep more, not that you can see said beauty). Now we all have had desperate situations before, how can you not, especially when alcohol is in control of you? So this guy annoyingly flirts with me. Annoying not because I don’t like flirting, but because I wouldn’t do him in a million years.  The club was basically empty so I thought “What the hell? It is not like anyone important will see me snogging him”. Kiss, kiss, kiss next thing lights go on. And like rats being sprayed with teargas, we were quickly outside (this happened before at that place btw, I am sure it was some Christian group trying to eradicate the gays or something). Anyway ( I like going off topic *sigh*) his car was closer than mine.

Fast forward to steamed windows and next thing I hear a knock on my side of the car. “Shit! A policeman!!!” is all that went through my head. He basically opened the door at the same time as knocking (Note to self: lock car doors at all times). So as we sit awkwardly while being questioned by this random cop, questions ranging from “What were you doing?”, “you are lying, what you did was not kissing I am arresting you for public indecency”. Now at this point, any testosterone that might have built up before was gone!! Many things went through my mind like “I already have trouble with the law, I can’t be getting into more trouble”, “ I am not going down like this, nogals for kissing this guy, at least it should have been a hot somebody or a good kisser”. I kept telling this cop that we were just kissing and that I see people walking in malls kissing all the time is that not allowed? He then said I should get out (and this is where locking the car door es muy importante) and unfortunately as I got out my pants were basically falling off as I didn’t have time to button it. The hanging belt went a long way to “proving” this idiot’s allegation. I was not going to go to a police station and sign some stupid warning, the way I begged and pleaded for them to show us some mercy.

These cops just wanted a bribe, because the one even said at one point “how can I help you?” and I didn’t have money to pay them off. They eventually let it go after promising that we will never do it again (they really didn’t have to know that I made out with some boy I like in his car in the same location the week before). I just wanted to be home, but had to wait for them to leave before I could leave.

From now on I will just be boring, South Africa is not gay friendly. And lock your car doors dammit!

Inspiration is just a word (?)

So as the year is halfway through the first month, you wonder how many New Year’s resolutions are still on our minds. I for one am not a believer in said resolutions; however, you have to admit there is something refreshing about starting a new year. Almost as you have a blank page to correct whatever you don’t like about your life in the past. And as I am a person who lacks discipline, I don’t make these as I will abandon them the moment I get bored or just don’t feel like walking this path I envisioned for myself.

Having said that, I decided to make one this year: “to be more responsible”. Vague you might say because what does that even entail? Well I am almost 28 years old and as mature as I have always been, I realised in the past year that I have a lot of growing up to do. I am a person who lives for the moment (awesome you say, right?). I realised though that I use it as an excuse for any fucked up decisions I make, like partying ‘til 6 in the morning the day before an exam. I mean who does that? Or what’s the reason behind it? Am I scared of something? Maybe passing an exam in my profession ultimately means you will end up with more responsibility and this is what I am running away from?? Or am I just trying to correct the 4 years of sacrificing you make to get a degree, by now living my life to the fullest? Who the fuck knows and my motto generally is “who the fuck cares?”

 On many occasions friends have said “you live life hey, Brad, you live it”. I must admit I feel sort of chuffed when I hear those words, I get a sense of achievement. Something I don’t get through my profession and all these professional exams I have written. Speaking of which, these exams has been a part of my life since 2008. That’s the 6^th year now that “studying” has been a part of my life. And I hate it, I really hate it. I honestly didn’t know I would still have to study so many years after the initial 4 at varsity. This again just shows how I was winging it back in 2003 (my matric year). Who studies something they have no idea what it is about? I must say I am lucky that I was good at it and managed to get through university and I don’t hate my job. It definitely is not my passion, but if I can be interested while make a living, why not? Some of my friends and I always say about how we want to win the Lotto so we can chase summers around the world. As nice as it would be I don’t really take that seriously because (1) I would eventually get bored and (2) do you know the probability of winning the Lotto???????? There goes that idea……

Where to now? Continue with the same old life of waking up and doing the 9 to 5 or throw caution to the wind, resign and go search for yourself (and happiness) somewhere in Bali? Uhm, not quite, I did say this is my year of responsibility right? To me it means that I must find the discipline to stay at home and study so that I can pass my exams in order to move forward with my life. Exams can’t be the only thing I always have in the back of my mind. Some people make it seem so easy, the ability to sit and study for hours on end. Now I am an eager learner, but more so of life than books and definitely do not like memorising things. Which has become more difficult over the years because apparently alcohol kills brain cells faster than age? Exams have become a part of my life to the extent that I feel lost and bored the months following the exam sittings and waiting for results (as it doesn’t really make sense to start studying before results come out unless you have perfect vision of the future, which is ironic considering actuaries have “best views of the future”). And I tend to be random and ramble a lot, probably why I am a better writer than speaker because you can always read and reread your writing whereas once something is said; you look more foolish constantly correcting yourself.

I digress (case in point).

I never thought I would actually like writing because I absolutely hated English and anything to do with creative writing or interpreting Shakespeare’s crap, in high school.  Funny enough I found myself blogging about tv shows (I am sure I will write a lot about these in future as there is nothing I take more personally than a well written tv show) and ended up making best friends via this blogging. For someone who was a loner (and still is on many occasions) and who had no best friends, this was the first signs of growing. Anyway, I never wrote because just like everything else, I would get bored (whispers “lacks discipline”) and not see it through.

Today though, I was hit with a new wave of inspiration (or maybe my narcissistic self just went into high gear and felt the need to talk about myself?). I met this guy late in 2011 (albeit briefly) but our paths were not meant to intersect or coexist. Somehow I stumbled upon his blog (during another attempt of avoiding studying while on study leave, go figure). Now he is an English teacher and he lives momentarily in some part of the world (another reason why we were just not going to work) , teaching English. Now I was incredibly moved by his journey in Mexico, going through every emotion he was going through, and a little jealous that I am not growing as a person in that sense (or maybe I was just jealous of all the tequila and beer drinking). Whatever the reason, I grabbed my laptop and started typing. Something I have to stop doing now, if I don’t want to show up to work later than my already late usual time.

I hope I can stick this out and make the time to write and hopefully be on a journey of my own (corny I know, but I can’t be about eye rolls and annoyance ALL THE TIME, right??!!!). At least these annoying (see, it didn’t last long) sleepless summer nights would be put to good use.

Oh and happy birthday mom J