Blowing off steam (or something)!

I promised myself I won’t become those annoying gays who have this huge chip on their shoulder and always play victim about how unfair society is, etc. 

But I am really annoyed as of this moment. So this Intersexions show  two guys kissing and of course blacks on twitter go crazy. And yes I should not take twitter seriously but it does represent the supposedly open minded people in SA. So why do two guys kissing have such a big effect. Apparently the actors were paid handsomely to do said scene. Like are you kidding me? I took offence, and I hardly ever take offence.

The thing is, it is obviously difficult to accept your sexuality and I think it is mostly because of acceptance by society even if a lot of us say that we don’t give a shit about what others think. And that’s mostly true for me except when it comes to people you are supposed to be close to. I mean how is a statement like “I don’t have a thing against gay people, as long as it is not a sibling or a child of mine” supposed to make you feel?  And for me the gay thing is as normal as taking a dump, even though it is a rare occurrence. But on days like this it becomes annoying, I mean I thought we have accepted gays completely. I guess I am more annoyed about my naivety (or my ignorance if you will). We are a long way from where we need to be.

Things like this just make it even more difficult for people to accept themselves and come out of the closet. I am sure somewhere there was a 20 year old sitting with ignorant people watching this and based on the responses to the kiss, decided to keep hiding his/her true self. Don’t get me wrong, I am no gay activist, but it is just annoying that people don’t think beyond instant gratification (the shock or outrage in this case). 

Maybe I am reacting in this way because I feel issues like these add to the ridiculousness that is the gay dating scene. Like even in my profession there are so many gay guys but yet yours truly is single? Or maybe it is residual confusion from the Love Conference? I think it might be sexual frustration but don’t let this paragraph make light of the issue! Can we get one thing right in SA, since the race issue is not going anywhere anytime soon! Is that asking too much??

Anyway I am practising dance routines from Saturday Night Fever, toodles…..an suck on this bitches:

If your life is so f#*king miserable, change it, right?

So it’s been a minute (one month to be exact). I would love to say that I have been so busy studying that I just did not find the time to write, but I would be lying. Another month has passed and still no studying, I need HELP! 

Anyway…

I lost interest in writing which was a good thing because I was quarter to becoming Carrie 2.0 (the New Yorker not the crazy prom girl). I can’t have boys controlling my life, thoughts and emotions and certainly don’t want to whinge about such things.

Anyway woke up this Sunday morning feeling a bit offish. Another night out until 4 a.m. and I ask myself for the fuck of what? I justify it by saying I really love dancing (and I do), but somewhere along the lines something has to be different because I am feeling very dissatisfied with life this morning. And it is not that I am unhappy per se, because if you know me, I don’t wallow in self-pity and misery and I actually find it annoying when people do it. All I want to do was sleep the whole day and not do anything which is not a bad thing because sometimes we just need a timeout from life and people. So instead of laying here in misery and wondering about going nowhere slowly, I decided to “write”. You are not really bitching about life and things if you are just typing it on some computer screen, right?

I feel like I don’t have a passion in life. It would certainly explain why I can’t study and it is not that I hate what I do for a living (it certainly is easy money, studying aside).  On the contrary I love going to work but I feel like I am on autopilot. Same thing over and over which would explain why I waste time (and money) clubbing until 4, just to break free from a routine. Sad thing is that it became a routine itself, which I am trying hard to break free from but clearly not hard enough. I sabotage myself and I don’t get why though. Like my life would be so much easier if I just studied, finished my exams. Why am I choosing to make it more difficult for myself? I think I am running away from growing up because I can still get away with being less responsible while I am still studying. These are just questions in my head this morning, not really expecting any answers because I know by 5 today I will be over this whole thing.

I am wondering though, if so many people are not happy with where they are in life, how are the others getting it right? What are they doing differently that we are failing to do? Are they just putting up a front? Is satisfaction with your life even attainable? Maybe I am just lazy because there are some hardworking people out there in the world? Maybe we question ourselves too much and shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. One thing I know is that you can’t really know everything about people. I guess it is natural to look at others’ lives (during low times) and wish you could have that. Me, I actually don’t want someone else’s “good life” because I always ask what the price is. Maybe I am just being a cynic. 

Personally I know I am lucky and I get away with doing the absolute minimum. I do stupid things because I am always bailed out by family and friends. Funny that at almost 28 years old I realise that I am still very childish which is funny because I frowned upon kids playing, since birth probably. 

Few years back I had a “near death” experience. I would love to go into the details but I wouldn’t want it affecting any job application or something, since this is the internet after all. And I use the quotation marks because I can’t remember it so I didn’t have that whole “life flashing before my eyes” feeling that usually comes with such experiences. Maybe that in my subconscious is driving the reckless, irresponsible and carefree behaviour. It certainly had direct consequences I still feel ‘til today. How can it be my subconscious though if I am thinking about it? And I certainly don’t want to justify irresponsible behaviour because nothing will make you crash faster than that. 

Sorry for the “my life is so miserable” theme this morning, but it really isn’t. My life has been much easier than a lot of people’s and I wouldn’t change a thing. Was just wondering and I guess that’s all one can do. You can’t predict it, no matter how skilled you are as an actuary predicting the future. All these things are just training us to withstand the unpredictable nature of life, I guess.

And thank God for computers, I am horrified at the number of grammatical errors I made while typing this.