So as the year is halfway through the first month, you wonder how many New Year’s resolutions are still on our minds. I for one am not a believer in said resolutions; however, you have to admit there is something refreshing about starting a new year. Almost as you have a blank page to correct whatever you don’t like about your life in the past. And as I am a person who lacks discipline, I don’t make these as I will abandon them the moment I get bored or just don’t feel like walking this path I envisioned for myself.
Having said that, I decided to make one this year: “to be more responsible”. Vague you might say because what does that even entail? Well I am almost 28 years old and as mature as I have always been, I realised in the past year that I have a lot of growing up to do. I am a person who lives for the moment (awesome you say, right?). I realised though that I use it as an excuse for any fucked up decisions I make, like partying ‘til 6 in the morning the day before an exam. I mean who does that? Or what’s the reason behind it? Am I scared of something? Maybe passing an exam in my profession ultimately means you will end up with more responsibility and this is what I am running away from?? Or am I just trying to correct the 4 years of sacrificing you make to get a degree, by now living my life to the fullest? Who the fuck knows and my motto generally is “who the fuck cares?”
On many occasions friends have said “you live life hey, Brad, you live it”. I must admit I feel sort of chuffed when I hear those words, I get a sense of achievement. Something I don’t get through my profession and all these professional exams I have written. Speaking of which, these exams has been a part of my life since 2008. That’s the 6th year now that “studying” has been a part of my life. And I hate it, I really hate it. I honestly didn’t know I would still have to study so many years after the initial 4 at varsity. This again just shows how I was winging it back in 2003 (my matric year). Who studies something they have no idea what it is about? I must say I am lucky that I was good at it and managed to get through university and I don’t hate my job. It definitely is not my passion, but if I can be interested while make a living, why not? Some of my friends and I always say about how we want to win the Lotto so we can chase summers around the world. As nice as it would be I don’t really take that seriously because (1) I would eventually get bored and (2) do you know the probability of winning the Lotto???????? There goes that idea……
Where to now? Continue with the same old life of waking up and doing the 9 to 5 or throw caution to the wind, resign and go search for yourself (and happiness) somewhere in Bali? Uhm, not quite, I did say this is my year of responsibility right? To me it means that I must find the discipline to stay at home and study so that I can pass my exams in order to move forward with my life. Exams can’t be the only thing I always have in the back of my mind. Some people make it seem so easy, the ability to sit and study for hours on end. Now I am an eager learner, but more so of life than books and definitely do not like memorising things. Which has become more difficult over the years because apparently alcohol kills brain cells faster than age? Exams have become a part of my life to the extent that I feel lost and bored the months following the exam sittings and waiting for results (as it doesn’t really make sense to start studying before results come out unless you have perfect vision of the future, which is ironic considering actuaries have “best views of the future”). And I tend to be random and ramble a lot, probably why I am a better writer than speaker because you can always read and reread your writing whereas once something is said; you look more foolish constantly correcting yourself.
I digress (case in point).
I never thought I would actually like writing because I absolutely hated English and anything to do with creative writing or interpreting Shakespeare’s crap, in high school. Funny enough I found myself blogging about tv shows (I am sure I will write a lot about these in future as there is nothing I take more personally than a well written tv show) and ended up making best friends via this blogging. For someone who was a loner (and still is on many occasions) and who had no best friends, this was the first signs of growing. Anyway, I never wrote because just like everything else, I would get bored (whispers “lacks discipline”) and not see it through.
Today though, I was hit with a new wave of inspiration (or maybe my narcissistic self just went into high gear and felt the need to talk about myself?). I met this guy late in 2011 (albeit briefly) but our paths were not meant to intersect or coexist. Somehow I stumbled upon his blog (during another attempt of avoiding studying while on study leave, go figure). Now he is an English teacher and he lives momentarily in some part of the world (another reason why we were just not going to work) , teaching English. Now I was incredibly moved by his journey in Mexico, going through every emotion he was going through, and a little jealous that I am not growing as a person in that sense (or maybe I was just jealous of all the tequila and beer drinking). Whatever the reason, I grabbed my laptop and started typing. Something I have to stop doing now, if I don’t want to show up to work later than my already late usual time.
I hope I can stick this out and make the time to write and hopefully be on a journey of my own (corny I know, but I can’t be about eye rolls and annoyance ALL THE TIME, right??!!!). At least these annoying (see, it didn’t last long) sleepless summer nights would be put to good use.
Oh and happy birthday mom J
